Letters from Beth

I have been thinking about you everyday. There has never been a day that I haven't thought of you since I meet you. Today I told my grandparents (on my dad's side) about you, and how you've helped me with cutting myself and everything. I told them that you are a really sweet and nice guy, and they said that it sounds like you really care about me and you love me. I was suprised that they understood me and realize what our relationship is like. They are real supportive of me so that's cool! I can't wait to hear your voice again. Just to hear you talk makes me feel better. Well I hate to end this, but I will write everyday till I see you or talk to you on the phone and I still and always love you.

I talked to Shauny <that's my sister> today cuz I was really depressed. She helped cheer me up! But then again I was still depressed. I have been thinking of you all day and all of today I have cried, I just want to hear your voice so badly. Today one of my shirts smelt like you and I didn't want that smell to go away. Why? Why does this have to happen? Why can't it just go away? Why can't we go back to our relationship? I miss you so much I can hardly bare it anymore. Today was one of those days where I just wanted to die, and I can't talk to you about it, you're not here this time to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that you love me. Why does this have to be so hard for me? I bet it is just as hard for you. I am on Anti-Depressant pills now, Wellbutrin. It has worked but today nothing could of made me feel better except for you. Hopefully tomarrow will be better for me.

Hey! Today went pretty good for me. So that's good. I talked about you to my counselor and we were wondering where Lincoln Hills is, like what town/city/village it is by. I hope I hear from you soon. I really miss you. I know you're probably sick of me telling you by now, but it's true <I could never get sick of her telling me that>. Jim <that's her step-dad> and I got into an argument today about me not going to swimming in the afternoon. So he called my mom and they talked, then she talked to me and then told me to give the phone back to Jim and they argued for aways, and then he hung the phone up and my mom took my side this time (really freaky). Jim finally cooled off and told me he was sorry for getting so mad at me. Tomarrow is the last day for me to be in St. E's "Mental Hospital"! I can't wait to be out of there and then I will have more time to do what I want. I can't wait to get away from the Dr. he is weird and he confuses me a lot and I mean a LOT! He is a lil scary too, and he asks me too many questions! Well I will give you more updates lata.

Hey. My friend Emily from St. E's might be staying the night at my house on Wednesday! She's cool! I was telling her about you and she wants to meet you so that's kool. I told her about JT and she was like tell me more about this JT guy! I told her just has to meet him and everyone else. Hopefully my mom will let us do something without worrying about us. A lot of people that I meet @ St. E's wants to meet you! They are all like he sounds like a really nice guy! and I'm like he is! Hopefully after you get out of jail and goto court and hopefully only get put on probation maybe ya could meet some of my new friends. No they are not ALL crazy! hehehehe. Every night I wonder if you're thinking about me like I am thinking of you. Emily says that you are most likely, I don't know if she is just saying that to cheer me up or what but whatever it is, it is helping me. I hope you are thinking of me. Good news I don't go to St. E's anymore! I am done with my "theropy" there. So that's always good. Bad news I hurt my arm and I can hardly bend it. It really hurts, it's getting better but still really hurts. So I don't think I am going to swim practice tomarrow morning but i have to go in the afternoon. Well I am going to end this letter.

Hello. Huh, it's kinda weird when I don't hear you say hey. I always liked that. I thought it was cute. I kinda really miss that. Anyways, my dad was being a jerk today. He called me and I was talking to him about us and he told me that I should lose you, and totally forget about you. I got really pissed and asked why and he said cuz what you had done, I told him that you didn't do anything wrong and I am not just going to lose you cuz of something we did together. I told him that i still cared about you A LOT. He thinks that you are like a bad habit for me. But I don't care what he says about you cuz no one can change my mind about you. My mom on the other hand is like well maybe you guys shouldn't see each other for a while, but after everything calms down we can start hanging out with each other again. She has no problem with you. She is still willing to help you out if you need anything. That's cool. I am really shakey right now, and I don't feel well. I think it's my medication. I have been having flashbacks of all the times I stayed the night and when I was there during the day just chillin'. It's starting to bother me cuz then I get depressed. Hopefully they will stop. Well it's pass 12:30 am and I have to get up at 6:45 tomarrow. Nighty nite.

Hey. I went to the EAA Ducks unlimited with Jim. We are getting along pretty good. So that's good. I shot 2 guns, a 20 gauge, and a 22 gauge. I have a feeling that I am going to get a bruise where the gun was by my shoulder. I went kiaking twice, I thought about you the whole time. I had fun there. Jim let me drive for a while also. I have a meet (swimming) on Thursday. I am kinda nervous but i have a feeling that I will do a good job. I wish you could ne there to watch me, but you can't. It rained really hard in the morning, there was strong winds, and it was lightening. I thought it was kool. I love storms. I have been thinking about whats going to happen with us. I still want to see you, and plus I miss your family! hehehe. Well I am going to go now. Remember I care about you still.

I talked to your mom today. Infact I went down there to see everyone. There is like nothin in your house now everything is packed up. Everything is so messed up, just to tell you I am NOT pregnant, and I don't even know who my Social Worker is. I hope nothin happens, like we can't see each other anymore, cuz I would not know what to do with my life. You know if we were still datingit would of been our 2 month today. Ever since we broke everything has been going so slow for me, and I hate it. I don't want to live like that, I want everything to be better, but that will take a long time. I can feel the tension and depression coming, my heart feels like it just fell to the floor. I can't stand it. I feel it every day. I don't want to feel like that anymore but my heart is in control, not my brain. I hate this, they cant punish people for falling in love. If they could no one would be happy. I love you and I always will. I wish I could go back in the past and change what has happened. I wish I never told my mom that I wanted to be put on Birth-control. Sometimes I wonder if this is just a really bad dream. But then I realize it's reality, and not a dream. I am going to talk to my parents about getting an attorney for you, I know your dad is getting one, but it would be better if there was 2 and if it was my parents trying to defend you too. I hope you just get put on probation, and not serve any jail/prison time. My mom is going to try to convince Jim & my dad to put me on Birth-control, cuz she knows I really want it, and I think she wants me on it too, just to be on the safe side of getting pregnant. I just found out that I was consumed on birth control and a condom. Scary. Sometime I wish I did get pregnant so we could see each other but I am glad I didn't cuz I am only 14 and I still have 3 more years left till I am 18 but 4 years till I am out of school. Plus I want a good job without any big responsibilities, like taking care of a kid. And I have a feeling that you want to go to. Well I am going to go to bed now I have to get up around 6am tomarrow.

Hey. I actually went to both of my practices for swimming today. In the morning it was pretty boring, but in the afternoon I had fun, we were practicing diving and turning around in the water. I registered at West today. I found all of my classes with no problem (morning classes). I am so happy I only have 2 classes in the afternoon, and on Tuesdays I only have one class.... lucky me. I can't wait for school to start. Then I won't have to be home during the day, and then I have swim for 3:25 to 5 or 6pm after school so when I come home all I have to do it eat, shower, watch a lil TV, and then go to bed. I just want you to know that I was very happy when I read your goals when they asked you to write down friends that you would like to see under the age of 18, and you only wrote my name down. I never thought you would do that. I tried to hold back the tears when I read it. I miss you so much, it's not fair. I am going to do whatever I can do in my power to see you again. I LOVE YOU! I have NEVER fealt this way with someone. You're like a blessing to me. You're so special, and I know deep down in my heart that we are supposed to be together. I am here for you and I always will be, and you damn well know that. So never have a doubt in your mind and heart about me. I know that I trust you and I would never doubt you. I am scared... scared that we will never be able to see each other again. I constantly think about it, bu then I think.... that won't happen, we will be able to see each other and we will be happy together no problems, no worries, everything will be just fine. I have thought about cutting my wrist since you were arrested but then I don't because I know you wouldn't want that and you want me to be scareless and happy. I remember you telling me if anything comes up and I feel like cutting myself, just call you or come over so we can talk, but now there is no one to talk to so I write to you every nite. The only bad thing is that you can't talk/write back to me. Sometimes I can smell you and I love it, and I wonder do I smell you cuz you touched something of mine and you left your scent there. I wish you could hold me again so I can feel safe in your arms. Well I gotta go. I love you - don't 4get it.

Hello. I am so bored right now - shit I have been bored all day. I am so worn out now. I swim for 2 - 2 1/2 hours in the morning and then I swim for 1hr 15min - 2hrs. I am not getting enough sleep. I have been having troubles falling asleep and when I do finally fall asleep I wake up all the time. I am probably going to skip practice tomarrow so I can try to sleep in and rest all day. I am noticing that I am getting a lil bitch towards everyone. Especially Anna - she thinks she is better than everyone. She always has, but today she really pissed me off during swimming. God I just wanted to punch her! But then I tought I would just get into more trouble. I don't need anymore assault charges. I hope I get to see you soon. I hate not being able to see you let alone talk to you. This sucks big time. Oh well we will get through this together mentally, and together physically. I can't wait for tomarrow! Emily is most likely staying the nite and then we are going to get together with Stephanie and hopefully Justin will be free so we all can hang out! I miss hanging out with you at your house and JT and Meghan, and Chris... ALL OF YOU! Kari, Po, and I stopped by your place today but no one was home. Then I saw Brent on the way home, he was with a friend. I told him to tell you that I miss you and hi, the next time he talks to you. I want to dye my hair black with blonde highlight in it, I think that would look crazy-sexy-and weird, and kool. I have been telling people that I want to do that and everyone is like oh yeah you should do that that would be so kool and kick ass. Hopefully my mom will let me do it! I have a feeling she will, cuz my mom lets me dye my hair whatever color I want! So rock on to that! Well I am REALLY tired so I am going to go now. I love you.

Hey! I went to visit your mom today, and I got the good news! You're coming back home on the 29th! I am so happy! Your mom just made my day! I can't wait for you to come back! It's good that you can go to school! Even though you were suppose to start today, but its better to start a lil late then never start. Shit I don't need to take my "happy pills" now! All I need is to know that you're coming hom soon! Hehehehe. My friend Emily came to Appleton today to chill with me. She is from Wausau. We walked like everywhere today. She was going to stay the night, but her parents are making her go to the new zoo tomarrow, and they are leaving at 7:00am. So she couldn't stay the night. It started to rain like hardcore when we were walking back home! But we didn't care - yeah we got soaked but that's all kool. I am going to try to stay the night at her house for a weekend b4 school starts. I might be staying the night @ Po's new house on Saturday. I hope I can, my mom said that she would have to talk to Jim about it, and then talk to Po's mom about me staying the nite. One of the guys I was in the mental hospital with gave me his number and asked me to call him - i think he's gay. Just the way he talks and how he acts, he seems gay, but he's cool. The only problem is he clames he's a prep - yeah he dresses like one but he doesn't act like one. I was talking about how much I hate preps and he was like hey I'm a prep, I was suprised when he said that. But yeah, he lives in Wausau too. Anyways - I don't know what else to write. Well I can't wait till you come home!

Hey. Today was my 1st swim meet. At first I was nervous but then every things was ok. I got 1st place on my 100 free style! I don't know what I got on my 50 free style though and I don't what I got on my 200 free style relay, but I think 3rd place. Only 7 more days till you come home! Yippy! Don't ask - I am just happy. This is so kool, I thought that you wouldn't be back till after your birthday. I think I am going to call your mom tomarrow and see if anything new has come up, and ask her to call me when she gets your guys new number, so I know what it is. I am SO tired right now so I am going to let you go. Love you - ByeBye.

Hey! I just got done watching a movie, The New Guy. It was a pretty good movie. It was really funny too. Today I went downtown with a friend of mine. There was a Grand Opening for the new College Ave, there was a parade in the very beginning. We walked up and down college like 2 or three times (I think). I feel really bad for my friend, Jeff, his wife left him on Tuesday, but this isn't the first time she has left him. She leaves him all the time and then comes crawling back. I think the only reason he takes her back is because he wants her and his kids to have a dad. She has 4 kids living with her, and only 1 is Jeff's - I think she has more kids, but they are with their fathers. He is now finally going to divorce her, he is sick of her leaving him and then comes crawling back. I am happy that he is getting rid of her, she's a bitch and a slut. But anyways, we went to LaBamba's and then the Pilgrim's Cafe. I had fun, and I got out of the house. Jeff is kool, everytime we do something, he always spends a lot of money on me. He is a really nice guy. I can talk to him about anything and he will listen - he would always be here for me, even if it's something he doesn't agree with. He is a very understanding person. I can't wait to hear your voice again! Only 6 more days till you come home! Right now all I need is to at least hear your voice, even if it's you just saying "Hey" or "Hi" or "Hello". I am just SO happy! If I am feeling depressed all I have to think about is you coming home, and that makes me feel better! Well I am going to go, cuz I have to go to the bathroom. I love you!

Hey. I am so bored! It's like 1am and I have nothing to do. I can't fall asleep, I am kinda nervous. I have a meeting with my social worker on Sept. 11th. Yeah I know it's far away but I don't know what's going to happen. I am being charged with 2nd degree of sexual assault. I think, that's what the papers said that was sent to my mom. I don't know if that's for me or for someone towards me. I am confused. If I don't go to the meeting, I will have to go to court. I can get through this, so can you with what's going on w/ you. We can get through this together. I know we can. My mom rented "Dragonfly" yesterday. I don't know if I can watch it without getting depressed. I don't want to think about you, but it's hard not to. Don't get me wrong, but... I dunno. I love you. That's why it's so hard on me. This is so weird not being able to talk to you. We haven't talked since the 4th of August, the day I went into the hospital. Just to think only 5 more days till you come home, and then hopefully I can talk to you on the phone, and maybe see you once before you move or before my meeting with my social worker. If not, I have a feeling we will see each other sooner or later. Better later than never. I would really like if it was sooner though, but it's all good. Only 22 more days till your birthday! Then you will be 18! I can't wait till I am 18 then I can move out! I can probably move when I am 17 if I really want. Well I am actually getting tired... so I am going to try to get some sleep. I love you.

Hey. I talked to some of my old friends today from Washington. They were really happy to hear from me! As well as I was to hear from them. I might go to washington sometime this school year! I can't wait - I haven't seen my old friends for 5 years! It's been a long time. Shit the last time I saw them I hadn't hit puberty yet! lol! Same with them. I can always count on them to help me get through really tough times, like right now. Just to think 4 more days till you come home! I would love to move back to WA. It is SO beautiful there, believe me! You stay there for a vacation for one week and you will fall in love with it. Well I better go. I love you.

Hey. I had a stupid doctor's appointment today, to see how I have been doing. I don't really like my Dr., he is very confusing. And he asks TOO many questions. He gave me more pills to take, so I won't run out. I got together with an old friend today, and I will probably be with him for the rest of the week. His mom asked me to go to church with them so Jerome won't be so bored. It's really funny, his mom and him argue all the time about stupid stuff. But anyways - you only have 3 more days till you come home! I know I am not supposed to have any contact with you, but I need to call you at least once in a while. I hope we can still be at least friends. I don't know. My mom wants me to move on and start liking other guys but other guys don't faze me. I just think oh there's another person. I have no interest in guys like I did. No that doesn't mean that I am a lesbian. It's going to be A LONG time before I can get over this, and CONSIDER dating again. All I want is to be with you, even if it's just sitting in the same room. That's ALL I want right now. Everything is so hard without you to talk to. You ALWAYS know what to say to me when I have a problem or even if it's just telling me something nice for the hell of it. I haven't cut my wrists yet, but I have thought about it, A LOT! But then, I think, you wouldn't want that to happen, so I don't. You have helped me SOO much with everything, and I thank you for that. I always will. Well I better go. I love you.

Hello. I had a swim meet today at North again. I got 2nd place on my 50yrd free style! I only had 1 heat and that was the 50yrds. I had to leave at 6pm to go to DePere though so that's why I only had 1 heat. I thought about you all day today, and I didn't get depressed - I thought about all the fun times I spent with you, and that made me happy! I miss you so much and I just keep going everyday cuz I know one day we will be back together, happy. I don't know when this will be but I know it will be. My mom thinks that I have made some progress with TRYING to move on, but I can't just move on. It's like you're apart of me. I don't know how to explain this, but whatever it is I know it's there. I hope you feel the same way with me. Wel I better go now I am REALLY tired. I love & miss you.

You're coming home tomarrow! I can't wait! I talked to Brenna <my youngest sister> today, and I got your book ready to give to you but I don't know how I am going to get it to you. I am just SO happy that you are coming home! If you can't tell.... I have been counting down the days and I bet you have too. I don't know what to write now, I just can't stop thinking about you coming home tomarrow! I haven't told any of my friends except for like 3 or 4, that you are coming home! They are happy to see me not so depressed and actually looking forward for each day. I haven't told Kari or Po because they don't even come over or call anymore, so I AM not going to deal with that. They are royally pissing me off. Oh well nothing I can do about it, and I really don't care if they wouldn't ever call or come over again, I would have no problem w/ that. But anyways. My friend Emily is like counting the days with me till you come home, she is happy that I am happy, plus she says that everything I have told her about you sounds good and that you are a really nice guy and that you sound kool. Emily wants me to call her after I call you or maybe go down there, so she can hear how much I am happy. She is really supportive of me. All I need in my life right now is you, Emily, and Justin, but that's just for friends. I need my family, so yeah. I don't have swim in the morning anymore, only in the after-noons now. School starts soon like in less than a week, scary thought. I don't know about you but I enjoyed this summer with you, and everyone. I think this is one of my best summers ever except for the police part and you going to Lincoln and me going to the mental hospital at St. Elizabeth's. Well I better go now. I love you!